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This Too Shall Pass

30/1/2015

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It’s Friday evening and I’m alone in the house. For how long who knows. It’s a good thing though. I’m not feeling very sociable. I’ve been fighting back tears most of the day. Feeling rather defeated. Feeling that my blog’s not good enough, that my days aren’t good enough, that I’m not good enough. I know that those close to me would tell me I’m being silly. That I do the best I can and that I am more than good enough. The logical side of my brain knows that.

Then, though, is the emotional side of my brain. That’s the side that gets out of whack. The side that expects more of myself, and the side that gets upset and creates tears. I want to be alone, yet I feel lonely. I want to do more, but I’m exhausted. I want to go places and do things, but my anxiety stops me. I want friends, but they don’t understand. And most of all I want to work, but my bipolar prohibits me.

My bipolar took a lot from me. I can’t remember half of what has changed – it took my memory too. Decisions are impossible. Where to go for dinner is a life-changing event. I have to keep two calendars just to have a chance at remembering an appointment. I used to be the most organized person I knew, but now I’m scattered. I need to remember the positive – how well I’m really doing. Because I am. But even so, times like now, bipolar will sneak in and take over. I have to remember, this too shall pass.

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Agoraphobia

26/1/2015

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I used to think agoraphobia was simply not leaving your home (and it is), but it's so much more than that. It's a type of anxiety disorder that is the fear of or the action of avoiding situations that cause you panic or anxiety. Anxiety disorders left untreated can lead to agoraphobia.

Agoraphobia is something a little different for everyone. For me, it was the fear of crowds – from grocery stores to concerts and everything in between. It was standing in a line up, waiting my turn, and maybe having to actually talk to someone. I was afraid of driving and of being in a car – or air plane. And I was afraid of being alone in public. This meant I had to have a companion for everything. But everything didn't mean much. Mostly it just meant doctors' appointments because I avoided doing anything else.

Most people who have bipolar disorder suffer from some form of anxiety disorder – especially social anxiety. It becomes a fear of interacting with people and can lead to a life locked in your own four walls. Agoraphobia includes the fear of open places and enclosed spaces and can lead to full-blown panic attacks. Not only can all these fears bring on severe anxiety, but so too can just the anticipation of them as well.

Relaxation is key to calming the effects of agoraphobia. What that looks like is personal. For me, I choose yoga. I find it very relaxing and gives you a time to escape your fears. Other people try meditation and various breathing exercises. Psychotherapy and medication have been successful in quelling the pains of agoraphobia. It is important, as difficult as it is, to not to continue to avoid your anxiety stressor. The more you avoid your fear, the greater it becomes. The more often you face it, the less power over you it will have. Repeatedly facing difficult situations will eventually reduce your anxiety. Anxiety worsens bipolar disorder. It's a vicious circle.

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Mobile Apps

17/1/2015

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Jason Rybka is an app developer from Green Brook, NJ. And Jason has bipolar. His company, Bipolar Daze, is developing a mobile app (currently for iOS8 iPhones) with the needs of the bipolar community in mind. Some of the features Jason plans on including are a social feature, medication log, mood tracker, videos from people with bipolar disorder, pictures and various reference material. He would like his app to send out positive messages to its users daily or every other day. As well, he is considering adding a sleep tracker, a journal function and a chat feature.

At this point Bipolar Daze is still looking for beta testers. If you have an iOS8 iPhone and would like to participate, there is a google group set up for this purpose. The link is here.

This application is planned to be completed and in app stores by March 15. It will be a free download. This project is Jason's way of helping people with bipolar disorder cope with every-day challenges. You can reach Jason by email at xbsjasondev@gmail.com or his website BipolarDaze.

Other apps are currently available. Healthline.com features The Best Bipolar Disorder Apps of 2014. click on the image to go to their website. These apps range in cost from free to $4.99. Most seem to be available for the iPhone but there are a few for Androids as well. They are all different and each one possesses a different set of functions. The variety of features includes moods/emotions, events, treatments, medications, resources/websites, connecting with others, Q&A, symptoms, charts/graphs, email information to doctors, journals, sleep tracking, and back-up ability. Some even give you the option of customizing your app to suit your needs. The whole purpose of a mobile app is to have these bipolar tools at your disposal anywhere you have your smart phone. As many of them are free, it costs you nothing to download a few and try them out. You may find something helpful.

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Gramma's Episode

12/1/2015

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About every month or so, my mom and I make the two-hour trek from Peterborough to Barrie to visit my Gramma. Gramma lives in a long-term care facility, but we call it a retirement residence. Gramma is 95. She's physically fit for someone of her age and has the sharpest wit she's always had. She has two issues: her memory (from Alzheimer’s) and what they call her “episodes.” Her episodes consist of her passing out and losing all control. This lasts for a couple of minutes and then she comes to not knowing that anything had just happened – the memory part.

She's been lucky in that most of the times that she's passed out she's been seated and therefore just slumps down onto the floor. But one time in particular she took quite a fall and was bruised and banged up pretty bad. Several doctors and nurses have examined her and no one can seem to explain why she has these episodes. We usually learn of them by a phone call from the facility telling us what had happened and informing us that she is now resting comfortably. Though disturbing, somehow these calls didn't really make an impact. Until our visit before Christmas.

Things were going along as usual. We were kibitzing back and forth when I noticed her start to become confused. She couldn't finish her sentences and seemed a little weak. Then she said she didn't feel well. Before we knew it she had passed out while sitting on her walker. My aunt was there as well. All three of us held her up. I was literally holding her head in my hands. I remember taking her glasses off because they were digging into the side of her beautiful face. Not as quickly as we'd have liked, the nursing staff arrived with her wheel chair and we transported her back to her room where they got her into bed to await the doctor. The long and short of it was that she had had another episode and there was nothing they could do for her other than to make her comfortable. They did give her a shot of gravol to settle her stomach.

Once the doctor had left and we were confident she was okay, we left. We left her there to sleep and eventually recover. I don't know who recovered faster, her or me. It was very upsetting to have her collapse into our arms and be unresponsive. Feeling the need to be strong and helpful, I fought back tears and did what I could. Upon leaving I became very introverted and quiet. Later that day we went back to see Gramma to ease our minds. We found her sitting having dinner and doing quite well. That was reassuring. Afterwards all I wanted to do was go home. But I couldn't. It was night time and we were two hours from home. We would spend the night and go home in the morning.

I couldn't get home fast enough. I just needed to be in my safe place. It took me three days to recover. I was exhausted, depressed and had trouble sleeping. I had a bit of an emotional breakdown the following morning. Her episode was quite the ordeal to experience. I guess I don't bounce back quite as well as Gramma does.

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Seasonal Affective Disorder

5/1/2015

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Seasonal Affective Disorder (S.A.D.) is a mood disorder – a type of depression that is related to the changes in the seasons. Most commonly S.A.D. presents in the late fall and lasts throughout the winter. Generally symptoms start off mild and worsen as the season continues.

Some Symptoms of S.A.D.
Trouble concentrating
Irritability and anxiety
Low energy
Social difficulties
Oversleeping
Craving carbohydrates
Weight gain
Lethargy

You don't have to have bipolar disorder to get S.A.D., but people with bipolar disorder are at an increased risk for developing it. For example, many people with bipolar disorder can recognize a pattern in their own cycle where they become depressed in the late fall and become manic in the spring/summer. Keeping a mood diary can help you to identify your own cycles.

S.A.D. is caused by a lack of sunlight – as is generally the case during fall and winter months in most parts of Canada and other countries. This lack of sunlight effects your circadian rhythm and the hormone melatonin, which is why sleep is so important. It also reduces the serotonin level in your brain, which is directly linked to depression.

Suggested treatments include full-spectrum light boxes, exercise, outdoor exposure, proper sleep and sometimes medication. Light boxes appear to be the treatment of choice and can be quite effective. However, for those people with bipolar disorder, care should be taken as the light can sometimes trigger a manic episode. A light box should be used under the direction of your doctor. Anti-depressants alone can also trigger manic episodes.

S.A.D. Should be taken seriously, especially if the following symptoms occur:
Suicidal thoughts or actions
Social withdrawal
School/work problems
Substance abuse

My worst time is late October. It seems to hit me every year, yet every year I'm surprised. When I finally get around to looking at a calendar and realize it's October, then I understand. Then I can go to my psychiatrist and have my medication adjusted. I've heard good things about light boxes. Maybe I'll talk to my psychiatrist about getting one. Something else to add to my arsenal.

(Photo: pivotcon.com)
(Sources: Mayo Clinic, WebMD, Fix.com)

For further information on S.A.D., click here.

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This Too Shall Pass

Agoraphobia

Mobile Apps

Gramma's Episode

Seasonal Affective Disorder

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